The most perverted horoscope on the web.
We are finally in summer. I imagine that many will have started you out photos on the seashore with a mojito in hand and, of course, will have hung on social networks to show that alcoholics are also some cool beach where you are. When this season comes, I usually buy a red satin ribbon to make a pretty bow to hell I care of your photos on the beach.
Anyway, with or without photos networks, the summer is upon us and we all want to be a summer of those who remember forever, but not for having contracted an STI by fucking without a condom.
What dream is a magical summer, but, once again, be the stars who tell us what our destination. Meanwhile, with respect to sexually transmitted infections, your adventurous spirit will decide whether or not you catch them .
Anyway, thanks to Vice horoscope that I just removing sleeve, discover what the stars have planned for the coming summer season. Seek your sign and, if you do not encajáis in any of these profiles is that they are a mixture of them all together. Go.
An ancient Chinese proverb saying "You can not guide the wind, but you can change the direction of your sails." Dear friends / onanistas as, thanks to Mercury, the planet that gives intelligence and wit, will understand that if you keep masturbándoos against the wind direction, it is normal that you splattering everything. Put yourself downwind and everything will change, starting with the color of your shirts, which is no longer sticky white.
In the '80s Cyndi Lauper dominated all the charts with the song "Girls just want to have fun" but the real title was "Girls Just Want to Have cum". Few people know that the name change occurred because of the pressure that the singer received by the cosmetics companies that would like to keep hidden the regenerative powers of sperm. This will inspire you, dear friends premature ejaculation: open your Youtube channel with video tutorials on how to care for the skin with sperm, the planetary success will soon come , and with it, work proposals. You'll end up accepting the offer of Nivea, which will hire you as brand ambassadors changing the name of one of its flagship products: Nivea Nivea Expert Lift Lift Experma.
Frigid and / or powerless:
Sex is overrated, so nothing, so follow that you are on the right track.
Saturn will enter into a shoe store and realize that stilettos are passé, now what are the platforms takes Frankenstein style. Then, somewhat surprised, Saturn will say "But what is this shit?". So, dear / as friends / as fetishists, this summer your libido will be lower than the pressure of my deceased grandmother 20 years ago, which you will find another fetish. Towards the end of July, with the appearance of Venus, you will receive an unexpected gift: a Crocs ™. There will be no turning back: your libido will commit suicide along with your dignity and good taste.
Pretenders / as of orgasms:
With the advent of Jupiter you will realize that your talent is wasted fake orgasms. Apuntaos to "You really are worth". From there, success will soon come, but not for you but for your imaginary friend Teo, who will become a porn star for the blind. Meanwhile, your partner will discover that You had always pretended, so it will leave by Teo. The pain is so great that it will begin to pretend even when ye masturbáis. By then the summer will be over and your desire to continue having sex.
Nymphomaniacs and / or satyrs:
The saying goes "When the wise man points to the moon, the fool looks at the finger" but instead you ask him "And when he fucks?". This summer, with Saturn in favor, cease to spoil all the sayings of the world with your insatiable sexual instinct and when the wise point again the moon only will say "Oh, what a big finger you!" Without trying to remove his pants. It is understood?
In the coming months you will have the chance to fulfill a wish. "Sleep at night 2 hours , " it will not be possible, sorry, you'll have to find another desire or give the child up for adoption. Although insomnia, you will continue to have the strength to remember how happy and peaceful it was your life before being parents, although the smile of your child after a good belch is priceless. Well, yes, insomnia is the price. Hala, already smells like shit, just go and change his diaper and happy summer!
The moon will realize that it is in the wrong place, so Pluto will pass puton and will stay there a long time. Or until syphilis is not present at your door.
Are not you tired of opening and closing the chakras every day? The message of the stars is clear "dashing of housekeeper already!".
Christian / as:
From the second week of July, the Holy Spirit will come into your house without knocking first at the door. As good / Christians / a friendly and hospitable with it will be as though insist that give him all the money you have saved under the tile. In the end it will take all furniture included, leaving only the crucifix that have hung over the bed. Blind rage and rancor, the Devil also happen to make you visit; thanks to him, you will discover that crucifix that you may get much more. The stars say " Go and buy much lubricant".
Moral: Madrid Urbanization. Or do you you thought, that such an article would have some deeper existential reason?
What do you think about it?